I am writing this blog series to share with you how my journey started and where I am today. So here goes..........
I remember the exact comment that was made to me back when I was 11 years old (grade 6) that changed everything for me. It was a relative of my step grandmother who made the comment. She compared my size to her granddaughter's and said that we were the same age, but SHE was much slimmer than I was. Who knew that 1 comment would turn my life around. I think it affected me so much because I was "shy", had low self esteem and was not very happy. I was your typical average sized 11 year old girl. Looking back now, there was no way I should of been concerned about my size, but at that time, it consumed me.
I started reading magazines, reader's digest, prevention, etc. There was always little ads in the magzines that were directed at weight loss. There was one ad that stuck out to me, a young girl who felt desperate and mailed out 12.00 cash for a diet book. When that book came, I hid it and read it front to back. I weighed myself, measured, counted calories, burned calories, etc. Whatever it took to be "skinny" I was up for it. Then the comments started, "you are so skinny, you should eat, you can eat that, I wish I was skinny like you" and so on. I loved it. I was getting noticed. The more I heard it, the more it justified what I was doing to myself. But it became so much that to me,I was never good enough. I always saw myself as "fat". I would pick apart every inch of my body. Who I was became dependent on how skinny I felt. Every day, my mood was set by how I felt about my body. A bad day would make me moody, depressed, irritable and lonely. I would hide so that I did not have to be around people because I was always thinking that THEY are thinking about my weight.
Once I got to high school, I was barely eating. I weighed myself every day, counted calories because I could never go over 1000. That was the initial number I set. Because I didn't feel sick, I reduced my calories even more. I would never let my weight go below 100 lbs because to me, if I went below that number, I would get sick. As long as I stayed in my range, I considered myself healthy. I would consume a number of calories and go burn it off right after eating. I exercised a lot and barely ate. I look at it now, how did I function?? I wasn't functioning very well at all. I was unhappy, moody, depressed, tired, etc. I planned out what I would eat, when I could eat, how I would burn off any extra calories, etc. My focus wasn't to be healthy, it was to be skinny. I ate a lot of junk: McDonald's, pizza pops, huge Costco muffins, etc. If I knew that I would be eating something like that, I wouldn't eat all day (or two) knowing that I would be consuming a higher number of calories. I was sick. I may not of looked like the typical anorexic person, but I was. I didn't want to look sick because then people might of caught on, even though there was very obvious signs.
I look back now and think, wow, was that ever a lot of unhealthy effort I put into my body. It's exhausting just remembering all of it.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of my journey.
I remember the exact comment that was made to me back when I was 11 years old (grade 6) that changed everything for me. It was a relative of my step grandmother who made the comment. She compared my size to her granddaughter's and said that we were the same age, but SHE was much slimmer than I was. Who knew that 1 comment would turn my life around. I think it affected me so much because I was "shy", had low self esteem and was not very happy. I was your typical average sized 11 year old girl. Looking back now, there was no way I should of been concerned about my size, but at that time, it consumed me.
I started reading magazines, reader's digest, prevention, etc. There was always little ads in the magzines that were directed at weight loss. There was one ad that stuck out to me, a young girl who felt desperate and mailed out 12.00 cash for a diet book. When that book came, I hid it and read it front to back. I weighed myself, measured, counted calories, burned calories, etc. Whatever it took to be "skinny" I was up for it. Then the comments started, "you are so skinny, you should eat, you can eat that, I wish I was skinny like you" and so on. I loved it. I was getting noticed. The more I heard it, the more it justified what I was doing to myself. But it became so much that to me,I was never good enough. I always saw myself as "fat". I would pick apart every inch of my body. Who I was became dependent on how skinny I felt. Every day, my mood was set by how I felt about my body. A bad day would make me moody, depressed, irritable and lonely. I would hide so that I did not have to be around people because I was always thinking that THEY are thinking about my weight.
Once I got to high school, I was barely eating. I weighed myself every day, counted calories because I could never go over 1000. That was the initial number I set. Because I didn't feel sick, I reduced my calories even more. I would never let my weight go below 100 lbs because to me, if I went below that number, I would get sick. As long as I stayed in my range, I considered myself healthy. I would consume a number of calories and go burn it off right after eating. I exercised a lot and barely ate. I look at it now, how did I function?? I wasn't functioning very well at all. I was unhappy, moody, depressed, tired, etc. I planned out what I would eat, when I could eat, how I would burn off any extra calories, etc. My focus wasn't to be healthy, it was to be skinny. I ate a lot of junk: McDonald's, pizza pops, huge Costco muffins, etc. If I knew that I would be eating something like that, I wouldn't eat all day (or two) knowing that I would be consuming a higher number of calories. I was sick. I may not of looked like the typical anorexic person, but I was. I didn't want to look sick because then people might of caught on, even though there was very obvious signs.
I look back now and think, wow, was that ever a lot of unhealthy effort I put into my body. It's exhausting just remembering all of it.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of my journey.
RSS Feed