Last year was full of surprises and changes.  Around this time last year, I really started getting down and had all these wishes to be in shape, happy, do a 5k run, healthy, etc.  They were wishes.  I didn't do a single thing about it but complain.  Sure I would start some new fitness disc that I had piled up downstairs.  But it wasn't enough. I remember seeing a infomercial about insanity.  I thought, I could do that.  All those people who's lives changed.  I even had the phone and credit card in my hand.  I remember my son saying,"why bother, you won't stick with it" and it hit me.  He was right.  I wouldn't.
    A few months later, I was surfing the net and I am still really not too sure how I landed on a website that ended up being the beginning of finding the real me.  This site was the personal site of a person who is now my coach.  When I first became in contact with her, I had all these hopes that my life was just going to fall into place. Finally, I was going to get what I wanted.  But it was still up to me.  I think it took me about 2 months to finally commit to a workout program.  There was no pushing me or pressuring me to do it now or empty promises.  I needed to be ready to start this journey and she knew that.
    So I started P90X and had support via my coach and fellow team mates.  That's what we all are, team mates.  We help each other in so many ways.  In the first month, I saw changes in my mental attitude.  Sure I felt stronger physically, but the mental changes I was experiencing was motivating and exhilarating!!  By the time I finished the program, I had more confidence and felt healthy and in shape.  I didn't get results like I thought I was going to get, I got something completely different.  I got ME in a healthier, happier and more confident form than I had ever seen in myself.
    I was so motivated and really felt that I wanted others to find their inner self and I wanted to help people get to that place.  So I decided I wanted to become a Coach myself. I signed up, got my next program and continued on. When I got the program, I was determined to start this program right.  Take before and after pictures and submit to earn my t-shirt!! So I took pictures and cried.  Why did I cry?  I was so happy with myself and I just could not understand why the pictures bothered me so much.  I realized I still had a lot of issues to deal with.  I took those pics, I picked them apart, cried, etc.  So I loaded them to my computer and didn't look at them again.  I was so disappointed with myself.  How could I not see what I saw in the mirror.  The old me was taking over and I felt lost and hopeless. I continued with the program, felt amazing and was seeing my body change.  It boosted me a lot. Through out, I didn't think about the picture thing, I just figured it wasn't for me.
    By the end of the program, I was feeling good.  I had already purchased P90X3, joined the challenge group and was getting ready to begin that part of my journey.  I took my measurements and took out the camera.  I didn't think about it, I just started snapping.  I didn't even think about what i was wearing, how i was standing or the fact that I felt a little bloated that day. I just did it. I didn't analyze each and every picture, didn't criticize myself, nothing!  Then the most amazing part happened.  I posted them up to team beachbody and entered my results in to get my T25 shirt.  It shocked me! What was even more shocking, I posted them in my support group.  There they were for everyone to see.  None of my old thoughts when through my head.  I felt happy and proud.  Proud of myself for getting over that hurdle in my life.
    I have grown a lot over the past 6 months and I am pushing myself more and more out of my comfort zone and becoming the person I have always wanted to be.  That person was always inside me, it just took a long time to get her out.
    I hope that I can help others overcome their obstacles in their lives so they can feel the freedom and happiness when they succeed.  

    I call this next post the roller coaster years because that's what it felt like.  This post has taken a bit to write because even thinking about it, my mind is all over the place. So I apologize now if I ramble a lot. I was so messed up. Dealing with all the issues I was dealing with and ending high school.  I had no idea who I was or what I wanted.  I landed myself in a very hostile relationship that I could not get out of.  Physically I could, but mentally I could not let go. Bring me to 21 and I am pregnant.  The thoughts are racing through my head, "how am I going to handle putting on weight?"  Funny thing is, I didn't starve myself at all throughout my pregnancy. It was like the switch went off and I knew I needed to be healthy for this baby.  However, I did count every calorie I consumed and exercised my whole pregnancy.  I had a good pregnancy, gained the healthy weight needed and it didn't bug me.  However, it may have to do a lot with the fact that I barely showed I was pregnant.  I was 8 months pregnant and still wearing a lot of my normal clothes.  Those who knew that I didn't eat a lot, bugged me and gave me crap because I must of been starving myself.  I was so mad!! I wasn't but nobody took the time to notice.  Anyway, fast forward to after baby and the starving myself began again.

    Over the next 10+ years, I was up and down.  Low self esteem, eating disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, abusive relationship, etc all contributed to a miserable life.  I would get depressed, complain about myself, start a workout routine, quit the routine, complain, be depressed. What a miserable cycle.  I was lost.  Starving myself (for days) finally did come to an end in University (about 9 years ago) with the help of a really great friend who just understood me.  She never judged me, always trying to boost my esteem and helping me out.  I started eating a lot healthier and realized that I did need to eat to be healthy.  But if I had something to do (like swimming), I wouldn't eat until after it was over. So my eating disorder was not as extreme as it was but it was still an issue.

    I focused more on my body and what was wrong with it.  I picked apart everything, my mood still depending on how I felt that day. I always talked myself down, always! Again, I would start the cycle of attempting to get in shape.  I didn't stick to anything!  A lot of things factored into me failing.  I would just throw together whatever workout I thought of, wasn't consistent, didn't have a plan, expected to see results too soon and would get discouraged.  I complained but did nothing about it.  But as I was getting older, my body started changing and it scared me.  I no longer could get away with being "skinny" and having that false idea that I was healthy and in shape.  I had ignored myself for so long that I couldn't see what was happening. I should also mention that in the later part of this time period, I went vegetarian and a couple years ago I went vegan.  After being vegan for a few months, I lost 13 pounds.  13 pounds that I didn't even realize I had put on.  But after losing those 13 pounds, those old feelings rushed back into my head.  I was so happy to be back at a weight that I was happy with, I was scared to gain it back.  That is when I realized, I really do still have an issue and need to do something about it!


Stay tuned for Part 3

        I am writing this blog series to share with you how my journey started and where I am today. So here goes..........


    I remember the exact comment that was made to me back when I was 11 years old (grade 6) that changed everything for me.  It was a relative of my step grandmother who made the comment. She compared my size to her granddaughter's and said that we were the same age, but SHE was much slimmer than I was.  Who knew that 1 comment would turn my life around.  I think it affected me so much because I was "shy", had low self esteem and was not very happy.  I was your typical average sized 11 year old girl.  Looking back now, there was no way I should of been concerned about my size, but at that time, it consumed me.

    I started reading magazines, reader's digest, prevention, etc.  There was always little ads in the magzines that were directed at weight loss.  There was one ad that stuck out to me, a young girl who felt desperate and mailed out 12.00 cash for a diet book.  When that book came, I hid it and read it front to back.  I weighed myself, measured, counted calories, burned calories, etc.  Whatever it took to be "skinny" I was up for it.  Then the comments started, "you are so skinny, you should eat, you can eat that, I wish I was skinny like you" and so on.  I loved it.  I was getting noticed.  The more I heard it, the more it justified what I was doing to myself.  But it became so much that to me,I was never good enough.  I always saw myself as "fat".  I would pick apart every inch of my body. Who I was became dependent on how skinny I felt.  Every day, my mood was set by how I felt about my body.  A bad day would make me moody, depressed, irritable and lonely.  I would hide so that I did not have to be around people because I was always thinking that THEY are thinking about my weight. 

    Once I got to high school, I was barely eating. I weighed myself every day, counted calories because I could never go over 1000. That was the initial number I set.  Because I didn't feel sick, I reduced my calories even more.  I would never let my weight go below 100 lbs because to me, if I went below that number, I would get sick.  As long as I stayed in my range, I considered myself healthy.  I would consume a number of calories and go burn it off right after eating.  I exercised a lot and barely ate. I look at it now, how did I function?? I wasn't functioning very well at all.  I was unhappy, moody, depressed, tired, etc. I planned out what I would eat, when I could eat, how I would burn off any extra calories, etc. My focus wasn't to be healthy, it was to be skinny.  I ate a lot of junk: McDonald's, pizza pops, huge Costco muffins, etc. If I knew that I would be eating something like that, I wouldn't eat all day (or two) knowing that I would be consuming  a higher number of calories.  I was sick.  I may not of looked like the typical anorexic person, but I was. I didn't want to look sick because then people might of caught on, even though there was very obvious signs.

    I look back now and think, wow, was that ever a lot of unhealthy effort I put into my body. It's exhausting just remembering all of it.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of my journey.