I call this next post the roller coaster years because that's what it felt like. This post has taken a bit to write because even thinking about it, my mind is all over the place. So I apologize now if I ramble a lot. I was so messed up. Dealing with all the issues I was dealing with and ending high school. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. I landed myself in a very hostile relationship that I could not get out of. Physically I could, but mentally I could not let go. Bring me to 21 and I am pregnant. The thoughts are racing through my head, "how am I going to handle putting on weight?" Funny thing is, I didn't starve myself at all throughout my pregnancy. It was like the switch went off and I knew I needed to be healthy for this baby. However, I did count every calorie I consumed and exercised my whole pregnancy. I had a good pregnancy, gained the healthy weight needed and it didn't bug me. However, it may have to do a lot with the fact that I barely showed I was pregnant. I was 8 months pregnant and still wearing a lot of my normal clothes. Those who knew that I didn't eat a lot, bugged me and gave me crap because I must of been starving myself. I was so mad!! I wasn't but nobody took the time to notice. Anyway, fast forward to after baby and the starving myself began again.
Over the next 10+ years, I was up and down. Low self esteem, eating disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, abusive relationship, etc all contributed to a miserable life. I would get depressed, complain about myself, start a workout routine, quit the routine, complain, be depressed. What a miserable cycle. I was lost. Starving myself (for days) finally did come to an end in University (about 9 years ago) with the help of a really great friend who just understood me. She never judged me, always trying to boost my esteem and helping me out. I started eating a lot healthier and realized that I did need to eat to be healthy. But if I had something to do (like swimming), I wouldn't eat until after it was over. So my eating disorder was not as extreme as it was but it was still an issue.
I focused more on my body and what was wrong with it. I picked apart everything, my mood still depending on how I felt that day. I always talked myself down, always! Again, I would start the cycle of attempting to get in shape. I didn't stick to anything! A lot of things factored into me failing. I would just throw together whatever workout I thought of, wasn't consistent, didn't have a plan, expected to see results too soon and would get discouraged. I complained but did nothing about it. But as I was getting older, my body started changing and it scared me. I no longer could get away with being "skinny" and having that false idea that I was healthy and in shape. I had ignored myself for so long that I couldn't see what was happening. I should also mention that in the later part of this time period, I went vegetarian and a couple years ago I went vegan. After being vegan for a few months, I lost 13 pounds. 13 pounds that I didn't even realize I had put on. But after losing those 13 pounds, those old feelings rushed back into my head. I was so happy to be back at a weight that I was happy with, I was scared to gain it back. That is when I realized, I really do still have an issue and need to do something about it!
Stay tuned for Part 3
Over the next 10+ years, I was up and down. Low self esteem, eating disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, abusive relationship, etc all contributed to a miserable life. I would get depressed, complain about myself, start a workout routine, quit the routine, complain, be depressed. What a miserable cycle. I was lost. Starving myself (for days) finally did come to an end in University (about 9 years ago) with the help of a really great friend who just understood me. She never judged me, always trying to boost my esteem and helping me out. I started eating a lot healthier and realized that I did need to eat to be healthy. But if I had something to do (like swimming), I wouldn't eat until after it was over. So my eating disorder was not as extreme as it was but it was still an issue.
I focused more on my body and what was wrong with it. I picked apart everything, my mood still depending on how I felt that day. I always talked myself down, always! Again, I would start the cycle of attempting to get in shape. I didn't stick to anything! A lot of things factored into me failing. I would just throw together whatever workout I thought of, wasn't consistent, didn't have a plan, expected to see results too soon and would get discouraged. I complained but did nothing about it. But as I was getting older, my body started changing and it scared me. I no longer could get away with being "skinny" and having that false idea that I was healthy and in shape. I had ignored myself for so long that I couldn't see what was happening. I should also mention that in the later part of this time period, I went vegetarian and a couple years ago I went vegan. After being vegan for a few months, I lost 13 pounds. 13 pounds that I didn't even realize I had put on. But after losing those 13 pounds, those old feelings rushed back into my head. I was so happy to be back at a weight that I was happy with, I was scared to gain it back. That is when I realized, I really do still have an issue and need to do something about it!
Stay tuned for Part 3
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